Nothing funny about this comic

Why?

A few days after the news that some idiot paid $1m for a Superman comic, the lunacy continues as Batman goes for more.

There's definitely air getting in.

Maybe it was the same bozo who forked out £65m for an ugly statue.

Should I ever do anything so obscene, shoot me between the eyes...

What sort of ego massage/insecurity/greed drives someone to do this? It truly must be completely detached from reality to even consider such nonsense.

As the old native American saying goes,

Only when the last tree has died, and the last river been poisoned, and the last fish been caught, will we realise we cannot eat money.

Decay

It is inevitable.

It is difficult to deal with.

It hurts.

When we look around us and notice the process of decay, it is always those closest that cause the most pain.

Our loved ones grow old.

They get sick.

Their bodies take longer to heal. Their illnesses more complex. Their lives slow down.

We can only watch, and wait.

The Beat Hotel

I always knew one day I'd make it to Holywood one day and today that dream came true...

Not the glamourous one of course, but still. people who politely ask for spare change can't make individual choices.

We were at the Yellow Moon studios to meet with Paul and record the dialogue for the new show, The Beat Hotel.

The concept involves an array of crazy residents of a run down hotel, who would make a crow blush.

My alter ego, Rusty Lane, is a 101 year old burlesque dancer from Hungary and has named her assets Buda and Pest.

Today was a new experience and I was pleased to work with good people, with a desire to make a funny, quality, quirky show.

Fingers crossed for the pitching process...

One to go

The White album is now the only Beatles Remastered cd missing in my collection.

A few days ago my lovely colleagues gave me an Amazon voucher to cheer me up and lo and behold, 5 bubble wrapped cd's found their way through the letterbox this morning.

With the Beatles, A Hard Day's Night, Beatles For Sale, Help and Yellow Submarine.

The space above the glove compartment is now a Beatles only zone.

I can't really remember when I first became aware of the fab four, it might have been when the films were shown on terrestrial television in the late 70's, or when my uncle gave me all his vinyl L.P's and singles.

All I know is I was instantly devoted to listening to them.

When I bought Rubber Soul a few months ago, the opening guitar riff from 'Drive My Car' pretty much took my breath away. I was astounded at the crystal clear sound, as if it were the first time I'd ever heard it.

Since then I have discovered whole instruments I didn't even know existed on 'Abbey Road'.

Treat yourself.

Opting out

Is it any wonder more and more people are opting out of 'mainstream' life?

Rotten politicians, lining their own pockets; greedy bankers at the bonus trough; religious zealots saying thou shalt not...

Every election seems to produce less and less people bothering to vote and who can blame them?

Every year, the share of viewers attracted to Dennis Potter's cancer channels drops like a stone.

They don't want what marketing scheisters tell them they really must have.

They have enough intelligence to know what's good or bad for them and how to exercise choice.

They are known as anarchists.

And you're looking at one.

Move along please, nothing to see

Didn't you read the title?

There is nothing worth reading here, nothing to see; no hidden bodies under the floorboards; no skeletons in the cupboards.

Just as there was nothing to see on the day of the Peterloo massacre

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peterloo_Massacre

This lead eventually to the Cato Street conspiracy, when outrage

over this and government prohibitions of human rights, drove

men to plot the assassination of the then Prime Minister.

They were arrested on this day, 190 years ago.

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose...

Radiators

Today felt particularly busy. It began with collecting prescriptions from the surgery, then handing over £6 for them. Why they couldn't have been on the one script beats me.

An appointment with Occupational Health followed, where the nice doctor went through the motions, asking all the predictable questions; 'how do you feel?', 'what do you think will happen?' and so on.

Lunch with my wonderful brother in the Black Box was the reward. An excellent butternut squash soup with the softest bread went down very well.

I then met with colleagues from work, who knocked me out with a lovely card wishing me well and an Amazon Voucher. Five fabulous Beatles Remastered cd's are on their way. Thank-you for being radiators guys.

A quick call with my very good friend and finally picking up my daughter from school ought to be enough excitement for one day.

Fingers crossed.

My giddy ant

Ah the humble ant.

This won first prize in a recent science photography competition. It is truly amazing, how it manages to lift 100 times its own weight.

It actually carries the item in its jaw.

We humans could only dream of such ability.

Imagine lifting a car and using it as a hat.

And yet, most of the time, we ignore the life around us. It carries on regardless, come flood, famine or fire.

Long after we have sullied it, the earth will continue to go about its business.

Much like the ant.

Articles of faith

When I was growing up, I believed in a lot of things.

As the years passed, most of these beliefs were questioned, melted away or discarded as nonsense.

Here then are a selection of things I don't believe in, followed by what I do believe in.

I don't believe in god; gods; angels; demons; tree spirits; ghosts; ufo's; aliens; ouija boards; heaven; hell; buddha; allah; santa claus; the tooth fairy; the devil; the bogeyman; remote viewing; spoon bending; clairvoyants; psychics; mystics; guru's; experts; bureaucracy; databases; governments; politicians; heisters; schmeisters; bankers; wankers; terrorists; freedom fighters; people's liberation armies; xenophobes; homophobes; patriots; racists; karma; life coaches; therapists; psychiatrists; telekinesis; telepathy; time travel; gangsters; hoods; zealots; single issue pressure groups; bigots; compulsory education; the demonisation of young people; the stereotyping of old people; the music industry; the film industry; nepotism; sport; gated communities; capitalism, or drains.

I do believe in giving of yourself; trying; breathing in and out; laughing raucously; crying; feeling shit some days; family; loved ones; friends; listening; giving a damn, anarchism; choice; collectivism; justice; freedom; equality; love; individuality; sharing; losing gracefully; winning magnanimously; doing the right thing; sticking your head above the parapet; being cheeky; being irreverent; fun; sniggering at the wrong moment; cremation; one life; jack russells; swearing; authenticity; toast; having fun; variety; new experiences; walks in the woods; holidays; music; wine; coffee; jam; art; theatre; european film; nature; sunlight; science; being generous; living life to the full; keeping calm; switching off; daydreaming; corny jokes; silence and radiators.

The joy of travel

Or not.

Yesterday and today I have used public transport for the first time in around a decade.

I don't know about you, but I get jittery if more than about half a dozen people are anywhere near me.

The bus held around 50.

Knees crunched in to the hard plastic back of the seat in front, back pierced by the narrowness of my own.

I read in today's Independent that the 'safe' gazing range for passengers on the tube was from foot to chest. This strikes me as patently absurd. Are we meant to spend our public journeys staring at each other's crotches?

If we close our eyes, we may miss our stop, our get slapped. If we look out the window we may catch someone else's attempt to avoid eye contact by their reflection.

Thankfully it's back to the car from now on...

Speechless

It has been a long day...

It began when I woke at 4.30am. Bob knows why. Nervous excitement or something.

Today I was a 101 year old Hungarian, saggy breasted burlesque dancer.

It was a voiceover for a comedy puppet show set in a rundown hotel.

Speaking in low gravelly tones took its toll however and towards the end of tonight's rehearsal for Twelfth Night, I burbled full on gibberish in an Italianesque accent.

My brain is jam. Black cherry jam. On toast. Mmmmmmm...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...

Are these my feet?

Europe 10 Holywood 0

Having just watched the excellent 'Goodbye Lenin', it only serves to confirm my faith in European cinema over the vast amount of gloop which spews out of Holywood.

Here then are my favourite ten European language other than English films of this century. The usual drill, don't forget, these are all gems, in my opinion and therefore in no particular order.

What they all have in common, however, is a first rate story, sharp, believable dialogue, excellent performances and direction. Unlike 99% of lala land.

1. Cache (Hidden) 2005 FRENCH

2. Das Leben der Anderen (The Lives of Others) 2006 GERMAN

3. Die Fetten Jahre sind vorbei (The fat years are past/ The Edukators) 2004 GERMAN

4. Sophie Scholl Die letzten Tage (Sophie Scholl, the last days) 2005 GERMAN

5. El laberinto del fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) 2006 SPANISH

6. Le fabuleux destin d' Amelie Poulain (Amelie) 2001 FRENCH

7. Le schaphandre et le papillion (The diving bell and the butterfly) 2007 FRENCH

8. Die Faelscher (The Counterfeiters) 2007 GERMAN

9. Mar adentro (The sea inside) 2004 SPANISH

10. Der Untergang (Downfall) 2004 GERMAN

Coach Trip!

What a joy of a programme this is. Avoid the hell of it all and park you brains at the door, 'Coach Trip' has returned to C4 for a 50 date tour through Europe.

The intelligentsia certainly make up some of the passengers.

'World war 2, who was that against?'

'The Germans'

'Hitler?'

'Hitler'

'So who was World war 1?'

'The Germans'

'So who fronted that, Hitler's dad?'

You have to feel for Brendan Sheerin, the Coach Trip leader. He is an absolute legend and if saints existed, he would have all their patience.

Hilarious to boot.

As Jean Paul Sartre wisely wrote,

'Hell is other people'

The sky is falling down

Whether it's medication or depression or whatever, I feel like everything's about to come crashing down on top of my head.

Today I found it extremely difficult to stay awake.

When I was a child, my mother used to read Ladybird books to me.

The story of 'Chicken Licken' stands out in my memory.

It's how I feel sometimes. It scared me then, it still scares me now.

The unravelling of the knot.

Like dominoes.

We all fall down...

Here is the news

Good morning/afternoon/evening (delete as appropriate).

Two men and a wee lad have been arrested in Helen's Bay, following a dispute over organic farming rights. It's understood up to 5 kilos of potatoes have been removed from the scene for examination.

Belfast is to get it's very own small wheel. The Lord Mayor, Naomi Long, was reported to have commented

'Every major town and city across these islands has its own small wheel and Belfast should not be an exception.'

It's expected the wheel will be able to accommodate up to one small adult.

House prices have now risen and fallen in the same month for the past 27 months. Insiders claim fluctuating property prices as the major contributor to the latest figures,

And finally, the cold weather is set to continue as strong winds cause havoc across the country. Winds of up to 3 miles per hour have been recorded on Rathlin Island, the strongest since records began.

Red & Black Shack

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK RED & BLACK SHACK

Christopher Columbus and the Book Thief

Yes I know it's Hollywood...and I understand the concept of reduction...

As a film for a family night out, 'Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief' works perfectly well. At times it's funny and the action sequences are entertaining.

The whole thing is of course completely ridiculous...I mean, who believes in Zeus these days...

Greek mythology is pretty fascinating however, though according to the feedback from the ladies in my life, check out your local library first.

Worryingly, the film only has a PG certificate. I'm not advocating it should have had a 15, rather that it should have been made a 15.

The first few minutes of dialogue comes straight out of the bumper book of cliches; 'where's my beer?' etc and is probably the scariest scene in the film.

Recently Pierce Brosnan was interviewed on the BBC. He seemed particularly evasive. I suggest this is because the embarrassment of his 'faxed' performance may have been the cause.

He has now become the new Anthony Hopkins.

Objects of desire

The disclaimer I make at the start of this blog is perhaps predictable. They don't make 'em like they used to.

I refer to the car manufacturer Citroen.

Their current crop reminds me of those little cars you went round and round in on a fun-fair.

Some of their past ones, however, are masterpieces of style and engineering.

Exhibit A:

The D.S.

Exhibit B:

The HY van.

I rest my case.

Fighting back against the deluded

Two things which happened this past week.

The first, innocuous enough, took place in a local coffee shop.

An old acquaintance I hadn't seen in years, appeared to be bamboozled when I told him I was an atheist.

The second occurred this afternoon. I thought this was a relic from last century but people really do still shove religious 'tracts' in your face, as if they are handing out money.

On both occasions, I pointed to the red and black enamel star pinned to my coat.

The former asked

'What is that. What is it with the secrets?'

The latter grunted

'What does that mean?'

Quid pro quo Clarice, quid pro quo...

Waiter this Waldorf's orf

Both of my daughters used to go to a Waldorf Steiner school. Now I would consider myself a fairly open, laid back sort of guy, however...

He himself, old Rudolf, was a complete fruitcake.

Thankfully only one is left there. She enjoys it, on the whole and would be sad to leave.

There are those amongst the staff and parents who would consider sweets and television to have been created by Lucifer or some other demon in the cupboard.

The black crayon is considered sinister and kept from children until they are 93 years old, in case it attacks their delicate sensibilities.

They love to partake in the esoteric 'eurhythmy' until their minds turn to sponge and start their day with some gibberish burbling about the sun.

Oh, and they ask for around £300 per month for this wonderful 'education'.

Avoid this salad in order to stay healthy.

I smell a rat

When is killing humane?

According to some reports the 'celebrities' from the jungle took 90 seconds to kill a rat, before cooking and eating it in a tasty risotto.

Hmm...there's nothing more I like than a well flavoured rat risotto...

Isn't it just a case however of the whole sorry L.C.D. (lowest common denominator) T.V being perpetuated through the press via 'non-stories'. No doubt that old ratticus norvegicus Max had a hand in it, so to speak.

Or maybe he was too busy crawling over a certain wag...

Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets

The Universal

What is the human condition? What is it that binds us together? Why all these questions?

I'm just in one of those reflective moods I suppose.

Having spent a pleasant natter and coffee with a friend, I am seriously contemplative.

Normally I just try to breathe in and out, but this afternoon got me thinking. She asked me what my look was as I gazed into the middle distance. I replied, 'you'd be surprised how little goes on in there'

I wasn't being funny either; most of the time my mind is just sand.

Occasionally a fluffy white cloud drifts by.

Do you ever wonder why you wonder?

Market Research

Off to St George's this morning with the family for a couple of hours of browsing, buying and the obligatory coffee.

A great market and filled with fresh organic produce. We stocked up on meat (sorry Mr. McCartney, you'll never convert me) and fed our faces on tasty paella.

In the centre a few guys entertained the crowd with some smooth jazz. Nice work men...

It would whet your appetite to have a go yourself. The knack, of course is providing something people want, hopefully that little bit different from everyone else. I love the thought of making people happy, having a bit of banter and so on.

We dropped in later to our very good friends in Holywood and shared the craic over some delicious tarts and more coffee. The two women have their heads well screwed on, whilst us men need ours fixed.

It makes for a great team.

Ten films which have moved me, in no particular order...

1. Schindler's List

2. The Elephant Man

3. Being There

4. The English Patient

5. The Shawshank Redemption

6. It's A Wonderful Life

7. Saving Private Ryan

8. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

9. Harold and Maude

10. American History X

What's yours?

The jawbone of an ass

The law sir, is an ass...

The lawyers are an enormous pain in the ass.

I refer of course to Cherie Bliar/Booth (what's in a name). declaring that because a guy was 'religious', it was understandable he broke another man's jaw and she wouldn't want the poor man to go to prison.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8497365.stm

It matters not one jot, which 'magic bus' he travels on, it's the

ridiculous supposition that delusion covers crime with an absolution

blanket.

Oh and he didn't just punch him in the bank, but had another crack

in the street.

I believe in breathing in and out.

Does this mean I can smack the numpties who don't?

When the tail wags

I have been moved this morning to call for your help for the poor wives and girlfriends of underprivileged footballers.

Apparently, they are locked away for hours in terrible conditions, with only the Gucci studded poodle for company, while their husbands and boyfriends indulge in all sorts of frolics with their friends wags.

Something must be done now.

As well as starting a tanning fund, I intend to write to my local M.P. (if I actually have one) and urge them to highlight the issue in the British lady Queen's Parliament of democracy.

Please give what you can.

I know the little local difficulty in Haiti has us all tired out with compassion, but I believe there are more important needs at this time.

Or maybe that's just my, er, um, dementia...

What day is this, Tuesday?

Is a question I find myself asking my daughters on a daily basis. Being off work with what may or may not be dysthimia, (yes I know it's sonds like an S.T.D.) really messes up your concept of time.

And we're back in the room, that is the library. It's tidy but far too damn bright. That's partly why I have the peak of my military cap pulled down. However this is also a barometer of how far down I feel.

Sometimes I don't want to be with anyone, look at anyone, talk with anyone. Other times I'm a riot.

Today is somewhere inbetween.

I shall endeavour to stick to my own little routines, excercise, write, make tea.

On Thursday I shall smile nod politely and be my 'normal' self, going through the motions of another peek into my mind. It doesn't and never will change the system I have worked in and therein lies the rub.

What day is it, Tuesday?

A little self reproach...

Last night I lost several hours on a mixture of (prescribed) medication and several drinks too many.

What usually transpires at times like these is often random and unpredictable, save one thing.

I will talk utter shite to anyone and everyone, whether I know them or not.

For the overuse of the word 'jam', I unreservedly apologise.

Similarly, if I bored/worried/generally irritated anyone, I am sorry.

My mind has not been a comfortable or safe place for a number of decades.

If someone should have any suggestions as to how to be less of an arsehole, please do.

Love, peace, sobriety...